Dumbing down Shakespeare

Thousands of teenagers across the country are studying 'dumbed down' Shakespeare plays at school, it was revealed yesterday.

They are using texts and GCSE revision guides which reduce the great works of literature to a series of simplistic cartoons and jokes.

Critics yesterday condemned the 'puerile' attempts to make Shakespeare more accessible and claimed it made a mockery of attempts to drive up standards in the country's schools.

They believe that the move to simplify everything to the lowest possible denominator explains growing numbers of howlers in students' exam papers.

Examiners recently complained that teenagers are approaching Shakespeare's plays as if they are TV soap operas, peppering their essays with conversational cliches and references to popular culture.

Coordination Group Publications (CGP ), which describes itself as one of the country's most popular educational publishers, produces a series of complete plays of Shakespeare and revision guides.

Last year, more than 126,000 copies were sold direct to schools and on the high street.

Here are some comparisons of the original works of Shakespeare with their modern day translation, notated CGP:

ROMEO AND JULIET

Act One, Scene One - confrontation between the Capulets and Monatgues

Shakespeare:

Tybalt: What, art thou drawn among these heartless hinds? Turn thee, Benvolio, look upon thy death.

Benvolio: I do but keep the peace, put up thy sword, Or manage it to part these men with me.

CGP:

Tybalt: Come and have a go if you think you're hard enough.

Benvolio: Leave it out, big nose.

Act One Scene Five - Romeo and Juliet kiss for the first time

Shakespeare:

Juliet: Good pilgrim, you do wrong your hand too much, Which mannerly devotion shows in this; For saints have hands that pilgrims' hands do touch, And palm to palm is holy palmers' kiss.

Romeo: Have not saints lips, and holy palmers too?

Juliet: Ay, pilgrim, lips that they must use in prayer.

CGP:

Juliet: What are you thinking about?

Romeo: Oh, just moons and spoon in June.

Juliet: Wow. Give us a snog then.

Act Two, Scene Two - balcony scene

Shakespeare:

Romeo: But soft, what light through yonder window breaks? Is it the east and Juliet is the sun! (...)

Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art though Romeo? Deny thy father and refuse thy name.

CGP:

Romeo: What's on your mind?

Juliet: Oh, just moons and spoons in June.

Romeo: Cool - let's get hitched then.

Act Five, Scene One - Balthasar tells Romeo that is Juliet is dead. He decides to poison himself

Shakespeare:

Balthasar: Her body sleeps in Capels' monument, And her immortal part with angels lives. (...)

Romeo: Tush, thou art deceiv'd. Leave me, and do the thing I bid thee do. Hast thou no letters to me from the Friar? (...) I do remember an apothecary (...)

CGP:

Balthasar: Julie's (sic) dead, mate. Saw her with me (sic) own eyes.

Romeo: Rats. Maybe that guy will sell me poison. That'll solve the problem.

MACBETH

Act One, Scene Seven - Macbeth and Lady Macbeth discuss killing King Duncan

Shakespeare:

Macbeth: We will proceed no further in this business: He hath honour'd me of late: and I have bought Golden opinions from all sorts of people, Which would be worn now in their newest gloss, Not cast aside so soon.

Lady Macbeth: Was the hope drunk, Wherein you dress'd yourself? Hath it slept since? And wakes it now, to look so green and pale At what it did so freely? (...)

Macbeth: I am settled, and bend up Each corporal agent to this terrible feat. Away, and mock the time with fairest show: False face must hide what the false heart doth know.

CGP:

Macbeth: I'm not going to do it.

Lady Macbeth: Cowardly custard!

Macbeth: I've changed my mind. I'll do it.

Act Two, Scene One - Macbeth sees a blood-covered dagger

Shakespeare:

Macbeth: Is this a dagger, which I see before me, The handle toward my hand? Come, let me clutch thee:- I have thee not, and yet I see thee still.

CGP:

Macbeth: Oooh! Would you look at that.

Act Three, Scene Four - Macbeth sees Banquo's ghost.

Shakespeare:

Macbeth: Thou canst not say, I did it; never shake Thy gory locks at me.

CGP:

Macbeth: Bloomin' nora its Banquo's ghost!

Act Five, Scene Eight - climatic fight between Macduff and Macbeth

Shakespeare:

Macduff: Turn, Hell-hound, turn!

Macbeth: Of all men else I have avoided thee: But get thee back, my soul is too charg'd With blood of thine already.

CGP:

Macduff: Prepare to die squid-for-brains

Macbeth: No man born from a woman can kill me

Macduff: Well I wasn't born as such, I was cut out of my mum's belly

Macbeth: Oh flip!